The Most Important Thing

I’m usually a bit sorry when I let myself get so serious on my blog. But I’ve been coaching myself to believe that it’s okay for me to have bad days and difficult times, too. I could write this stuff and keep it in my private journal… or I could share and maybe someone else will walk away with something positive, as well. For what it’s worth, this is what’s inside my head this morning…

The most important thing to do is to truly observe your babies, your children, and to react and respond to the individual, the special, unique person that each child is …. to do that, you have to constantly observe yourself and restrain yourself from reacting to the child inside yourself instead of the child that your babe is.
~Cally Brown

When I came across this statement by another mom on an unschooling discussion list this morning, I had to stop and read it two or three times. Ever have that feeling? Like someone had a message that you really needed to hear, you just have to stop a moment and really open your eyes, ears, and mind to listen to it.

I’m thinking of writing it in permanent marker across my forearm.

Observe.
React and respond to the INDIVIDUAL.
Restrain yourself from reacting to the child inside yourself.

I’ve had some pretty rough times with my children, specifically my son, of late. Perhaps it’s lingering stress from the move, my fall down the stairs, the mess and the chaos and the fact that I’m missing being closer to my friends. Perhaps my inner child is hollering so loudly that my son has been forced to turn up the volume on his, as well.

When I read Cally’s note this morning it occurred to me that I’ve been responding, not to my son, but in working toward becoming this kind of pre-defined template for the type of parent I want to be in theory. I’ve been thinking in terms of getting all this “stuff” over with, even if it means working 24/7, so that I can get back to “normal” life. That’s when I’ll start paying attention again. That’s when I’ll play the games he asks me to play and help him with the computer. That’s when I’ll sit down and read his book or listen to his story… as soon as I’m ready. As soon as I’m all set up to start being this parent I want to be.

How could I have forgotten that time is passing while I’m waiting to get there?

The house might be a bit closer to fulfilling my vision, but my son is living with a mother that doesn’t want to listen to him right now, a mother who responds with impatience when he wants to know how to write a letter, or set up a new game on the computer, or take a short trip on his bike to the park.

I could blame the heat. I could blame my injuries. I could blame money and bills and dirty dishes and faulty plumbing. But all the blame in the world won’t make me any more or less capable of being a parent. It doesn’t stop my son from getting one day older. It doesn’t stop my son, the individual, from having needs and desires that shouldn’t wait for later.

A philosophy of lifestyle and parenting doesn’t work when the idea becomes bigger and more important than the individuals in the family. It doesn’t work when you search for words and actions to fit the parent you want to be in theory, but your heart remains elsewhere.

There are only a few things in life I can guarantee. One of them is that my son will grow up quickly and our relationship today is every bit as important as our relationship tomorrow. I need to remember the little individuals in my house, the ones who probably aren’t nearly so concerned that our project room is flawlessly organized as they are with a mom who is willing to just hang out and be available.

I used to talk of maintaining a balance in my life. I worked. Played. Created. Collaborated. Observed my children A LOT. Somehow I feel that message this morning was written just for me.

The most important thing I can do is to truly observe… react and respond to the special, unique person that is my child… observe myself and refrain from reacting to the child within me instead of the child my son is.

There will be time enough to get everything done, as long as I take the time each day to remember that he is still little, he still needs me, and there is far more joy in BEING the parent I want to be than in planning to become that parent another day.