THOSE kind of customers....

I've worked in a retail environment for two full years now. It was a pleasure I somehow missed in my younger days, a pleasure I had somehow always assumed I would dislike.

However, what I have found is that I very much DO enjoy the retail environment. Especially in my special situation (a print shop in a major retail office supply store) where I am daily around my favorite things (paper, ink, pens, fun officey-type gadgets) and I get to work on cool projects.

However, occasionally that customer comes in the door that makes me wonder what in the ;'*&#+! I am doing there... Helping?!?!?! Nasty. Crabby. Miniscule-minded people?!?!?!?

Today, a set of such creatures (mother and son) walked in the door announcing themselves.

Son: I sure hope they didn't screw up my bleeping print job like they did yesterday!

Mother: Well don't start complaining about it until you see what they've done.

Son: Well, what they did yesterday! That was UNACCEPTABLE! Crooked! Cut wrong. Absolutely unprofessional.

Mother: I know, Son, but let's not make an issue until we see what they done wrong.

NOTE: I SAW the print job yesterday, which was indeed SLIGHTLY crooked because it was copied from a very crooked (as well as poor quality) ORIGINAL that they provided us. We had offered to set up the card again for a small fee, which of course they wouldn't pay. As the story goes, they used to run their own print shop so THEY KNOW WHAT THEY ARE DOING!

Son (now looking at the revised print job which I have put upon the counter for them to inspect): Well, this one looks good. Yeah, much better. This one is okay. We used to run our own print shop, ya know.

Mother: Go through every one now. Make sure to look at the ones in the middle. That's where they'd hide the ones they screw up.

Son: I am, Mother! I'm looking!

Mother: Mine look good. These look good. We used to run our own print shop. We know how this works.

Good... everybody is smiling (even though it hurts me a bit to do so) and they are happy with the job...

...until I ring up the bill...

As I announce the total, the mother lets out a scream that turns the head of every person in the store. A scream, literally. Not a squeak. Not a gasp. A scream. I jump. My co-worker at the register next to me jumps. A woman checking out at the next register gives me a very sympathetic gaze (bless you, stranger woman... I was comforted).

Mother: Absolutely NOT! What did you say? I am not paying that. That is not what I was told!

I quickly review my sums (hey, I'm human... I make mistakes). Indeed, I had keyed in a slight quantity variance. I rekey, appologize, give her the revised total... keep smiling.

Mother: No way! That is twice what I owe. I used to run my own print shop. I KNOW what this costs. This is outrageous!

Son: Calm down, Mother. Let's just see. Calm down.

Mother: I will NOT calm down. This is an outrage.

Son: We used to run our own print shop, ya know.

I review my figures again, this time out loud and with son's assistance. We go over the job, scope of the work, paper selection, costs. Yep, I'm right.

Mother: No! I will not pay that. It's not what I was told. It's not the price I agreed to pay.

Son: Calm down, Mother...

My smile is quickly deteriorating and my tongue begins to bleed. I recieve a lecture on customer service (duly noted -- I smile like a manaquin and say nothing). I receive a lecture on quality printing (they DID run their own print shop after all). We discuss (briefly) paper quality and, because we are getting stares from very impatient OTHER customers who are eager to check out, I actually drop the price of part of her job just to hurry this along and get her out the door. I receive one more lecture on expectations, fate, how to save the rain forest... WHATEVER (just keep smiling and bite that tongue--hard!).

Get her out-a-here, out-a-here, out-a-here!!!!

Finally, she's ready to pay...

and...

her card is declined for insufficient funds... (more ranting, more raving... obviously I should take some responsibility for this one, too)

as is her second card... (continued ranting, continued raving)

... but third card? works like a charm...

Mother actually thanked me on her way out. Can you believe it?

Mother: Thank you for being so patient with such an old bitty.

Those were her exact words.

I would have replied... but my tongue was still bleeding... and I didn't want to frighten the other customers any more than she had already frightened them.

After that, every time my coworker saw me he would say, "I used to run my own print shop, ya know."