Allowing Independence

I find myself continually going back to the very first bit of parenting advice I ever remember getting. In the wee early hours of parenthood, our midwife said something to the tune of from this day forward, she will be striving for independence; your job as parents is to allow it.

As my "babies" grow up I find myself evaluating this bit of wisdom again and again. It's entirely true. Independence is something that simply happens. From the first time they lift their head, take a step, or talk to you in fully articulated sentences, they are making their own way in the world. It is enough to simply be there beside them in this journey, for as far as they will allow you to travel.

I see articles every day telling us we should push our children, train our children, make our children, create our children... We are encouraged to fear what our children will become if we do not control them adequately. We are led to believe that if we don't teach them to be independent or resourceful or responsible, it will not happen.

The truth, I believe, is that the things we teach them when we have this attitude are the things that damage them the most.

I am reminded of the poem by Khalil Gibran in The Prophet:

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts.

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;

For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.