37 Things

1. I do feel older,
   
2. And feeling older doesn't feel so bad.
   
3. I don't feel nearly as old as I once imagined (like maybe at seventeen) being 37 would feel.
   
4. I've easily learned as much in the last half of my life as I did in the first.
   
5. There's still so much more I want to learn.
   
6. I thought that by age 37 I would be "there."
   
7. I'm still not sure where "there" is.
   
8. It doesn't bother me that I'm not "there" or that I'm still trying to figure it out.
   
9. In fact, I prefer it this way.
   
10. I still think in terms of "when I grow up."
    
11. Having children has made it feel as if time passes more quickly.
    
12. If given the opportunity (say a genie in a bottle or a magic coin) I wouldn't choose to spend the last eleven years (since I've had children) any other way (even though it's all a blur!).
    
13. I'm really looking forward to the next 37 years, perhaps with as much anticipation as I did the last 30.
    
14. Even though I'm all "grown up" now, some nights I am still afraid of the dark.
    
15. Some nights I still imagine that there are monsters under my bed.
    
16. I still can't stand to be called by anything other than my first name, especially by people younger than me. It doesn't feel like a term of respect, it feels like another way of dividing people and I'd rather we all see ourselves as equals.
    
17. I'm still surprised when I meet young people and they treat me like a grown-up.
    
18. At 37, I finally feel like maybe I do have wisdom that would make the world a better place.
19. I'm not convinced that I'll ever truly make a difference on a grand scale (and I'm okay with that), but the differences I will make to those I love and those who are close are big enough for me.
    
20. I understand much better now why my mom took the approach to life that she did.
    
21. I work to emulate that in more ways than I ever imagined I would.
    
22. Chocolate, a sweet I didn't even like as a kid, grows more and more important to me with each passing year.
    
23. I eat peas and carrots now (two things I hated as a kid). I still don't much like carrots, but peas have kind of grown on me.
    
24. I enjoy things I once thought I never would... like cooking and cleaning.
    
25. I even enjoy planting things -- not really gardening, but performing gardening-like tasks now and then.
    
26. I thought by 37 I'd have that pre-baby body back. I finally understand it doesn't work that way.
    
27. I still have hopes for a post-40, trim and athletic build.
    
28. But it's not something I'm going to mope about, obsess over, or diet for.
    
29. I do mope and obsess about things I never imagined would get to me on more than an intellectual level -- like politics and the state of the world and children who will never know proper families and what it's like to be loved.
    
30. I'm much more likely to write people off as hopeless now than I was when I was younger--not worth my time, my energy, my effort.
    
31. I feel much less guilt about getting to this place with people than I did when I was younger.
    
32. Yet, I'm no longer afraid that I will turn into a bitter, old person.
    
33. I'm much more content with my relationships, though some of them will never be what I once hoped they would be.
    
34. Life is generally much better than it was when I was 27.
    
35. And WAY improved over life at 17... I would never choose to be 17 again.
    
36. I still have gypsy black hair and the few stray grays I have found were easily (as well as necessarily) pluckable.
    
37. I have no desire to pretend that I am any age other than what I am -- 37.