Long Winded... I guess this is my rant for the week...

Last night at critique group I was asked what I planned to do with my novel once I was finished. The answer seems so obvious I was not sure how to put it into words. What I "plan" to do is land a big-time agent who will directly get me in with a big-time publishing house. They will give me an obscene amount of money, my book will immediately land on the best-seller list, and the market will be open and ready to buy my second novel before it even it hits the bookstores. Even JK Rowling will be stunned.

That’s my plan.

What I said though, was something more like, "Well, once I quit my job, I’ll finish it. Then, sure, I’d like to get it published."

But I didn’t elaborate.

And my friend, who caught the part about quitting my job, said, "You can’t wait that long," because she was thinking of work as a long-term thing, as I suppose it ought to be, but it isn’t. And here I come to the crux of my dilemma. My trouble with wording things. My contrariness about what it means to work and live or live and work and why I insist on doing it differently…

Here’s the thing. I "started working" so that bubba hubby could attend law school. I opted to go for "the job" rather than continue my efforts at a freelance "career" because I know myself. When my money was just candy, it was fun… and we ate enough candy that we were happy. I worked approximately four hours every day, usually in the wee early morning hours, querying magazines and book publishers, getting little nibbles here and there for articles, editing jobs, and finally, website design. But honestly, I considered myself a full-time mom. The bulk of my days were devoted to my kids and family. I was making a home, and I loved it.

However, being the sole bread-winner (and I use this term loosely – we sure ain’t rich) made the whole freelance thing look a lot more intimidating. I pictured myself relying on my money for groceries and thought of the long dry spells between paychecks. What it meant was that I would have had to work harder, longer, and more aggressively. Tempting. It was.

But like I said, I know myself. What would have happened is that my freelance "career" would have consumed me. I know I’m capable of sixteen hour days and I know that I can wrap myself up in self-imposed deadlines and goals. My question was, what would happen to my kids? Oh sure, kids are resilient. Kids cope. Kids can get through lots of things… but I wanted to be a mom, first. When looking at the big picture, there aren’t many years to indulge in this sort of mothering. Now is the time that I can still fix the world with a kiss (well, the 4-year-old is now telling me my kisses DON’T fix everything, but he still lets me do it and the situation usually improves). Now is the time when their little minds are growing and sponging stuff up at an alarming rate – I want to be front and center through these years. Call me selfish, but I have that right.

I looked long and hard at my options and I chose (and I use this word deliberately) the bi-weekly paycheck working for probably half what I was capable of. The benefits being this; I’d put in my hours and go home, I’d receive a regular paycheck (however meager) and this would allow our family to plan and budget wisely (something we’re pretty good at), and by ceasing my attempts to freelance for money, I would "free up" time to work on my novel.

Okay, realistically, I’ve not had the free time I had hoped. I’m not quite the full-time mom with the part-time job that I had pictured, but this is working and I still believe it was a good choice. There is the added benefit that I really like my job… and there were many routes I could have gone that would not have been quite so enjoyable. None-the-less, I’m looking forward to it being done and over with.

Yet, I understand my friend’s concerns and I found myself entirely unable to address them. Yes, a person should be able to support themselves. Yes, perhaps it is not entirely wise to rely on someone else for your income. While I don’t see divorce (as in her case) even remotely possible for us, I am aware that stuff happens. I’ve considered, though I refuse to dwell, what it would take to be a single mom. It wouldn’t be pretty. I wouldn’t like it. But I would cope. I would do whatever it took to survive. I certainly have the skills and I am not afraid to use them.

So I guess what I am saying is that I refuse to live for what-could-be, and I make my choices based on what is… right now… this very moment. And right now I can afford to be a woman who is going to "quit her job" within the year. I know already, that there are going to be things about it that I miss. I have some pretty great co-workers. I enjoy 99% of the customers who walk through the door. I love the smell of ink and paper. I love holding that finished product in my hands and stacking it neatly in paper boxes.

But I’m also going to love what comes next, even if a steady paycheck is not involved. I’m going to indulge in this time with my kids and I’m never going to regret it. Likely, I will eventually return to freelancing. Likely, I will finish this novel, and I will work on several more…

…and even if my specific publishing plan doesn’t work out… it will be okay. I will always be able to say that I tried.