Finding the Time

My friend from the Kansas Authors Club, Elizabeth, came in to see me at work this weekend. In the course of our conversation she said she’d heard I was working on a novel. Always thrilling when somebody KNOWS you write, but I’m never quite sure how to respond.

Well, yes, I’m “working” on a novel. Working, writing, dreaming, denying… I’m doing all of that. Just wish I could say, “Why yes, and it will be out in September! I’ll send you an autographed copy.”

Once upon a time I dreamed of being a published writer… and I became one. Now I dream more specifically of becoming a published novelist… perhaps that will one day come to pass, as well.

Anyway, Elizabeth asked me, “How do you find the time?” An even more difficult question to answer. Perhaps this is why I’ve been “working” on this very same novel for… three years now? In 2003 I was awarded a small grant from the Kansas Arts Commission for this very story I am still working on. I was at my peak of publishing then. I was dedicating about four hours every morning, before my children were out of bed, to writing articles and sending query letters. I was editing books for a semi-sort-of vanity press and for a good-sized book packager on a fairly regular basis. My freelance career was in full swing and I was feeling pretty great about it.

So what happened?

Situations change. I loved the work I was doing, but I was afraid of “going for it” full time. I was afraid of the pressure. I was afraid that if I started looking at it as a job, I would start to dislike it. I was afraid that if I tried to think of it as a way of supporting my family, rather than just extra money for the fun stuff, it would get hard. Or maybe I would turn into a workaholic who didn’t have time for family first. I could see that as a reality for me.

I don’t regret the change. I love the job I ended up with. It’s taken my desktop publishing skills to another level, and there is the side benefit of having gotten right out there in a new town. I’ve met people and made friends (something I’m not always so good at doing). I’ve somehow managed to keep a handful of freelance jobs on the side, but more importantly, I’ve explored new horizons (web design, graphic design, fiction!). As well, I’ve had some time to really think about the direction I want my writing to go. The articles for small press magazines were fun, and the money was awesome. But I’m feeling greedy. I want to go for something bigger. Maybe I’m ramping up for it. Maybe I’m about to soar. …maybe I’ll find out the sky above me is full of pigeons… who knows. But a girl’s gotta try, right?

But the time? It comes bit by bit. Some days I’m up every morning early, devoting an hour, two when I’m lucky. Occasionally I’ll get in an afternoon or a long stretch on a Saturday when Rand is entertaining the kids. Some days it’s really, really hard. Some days I just stay in bed and scold myself for not being more aggressive.

In the last three months I’ve dedicated a lot of time to this novel. Yes, I’ve neglected some areas of my life where I am usually more attentive. But I committed the time to get through a second draft of my novel and I feel good about it. My family still comes first, and that’s the part that’s really important right now.

More time would certainly be welcome, but it’s not something I’m going to sit around and whine about. It’s just not worth the effort. It’s all about making what you can of what you have. That’s how I do it, I guess.

Someday, when I’m a published novelist, maybe I’ll have a better answer for her.